Saturday, January 12, 2008

An Empty Soul on a Special Day

the number 21 is no longer belong to me as it has climbed to one step higher achieving 22 as the number to be held for d rest of 2008. Thanks to the Almighthy that i can still preserve my breathe on this beautiful day n witness all the magnificent creatures of Him with my eyes.

it's been quite a while that i havent post anythng in here since i've been occupied with my schedule in CES (a language centre where i'm working at). i've written sth halfway but i deleted it n here i come with d freshest expression from me.

it's 12 January 2008 and it's my 22nd birthday. it turned up to be like how i used to imagine it to be. (a lil bit gloomy compared to before).

last nite, when the clock stroke the number 12, i had been congregated by numbers of birthday wishes from my friends. it was not like previous years where i had a lot of incoming calls through my mobile phne. this year i got it more through the internet but they werent telephone calls, yet, they were warm thoughtful wishes. n few sms in my mobile.thank you so much dear friends for all the wishes. thanks to my dearest friends in aussie as well who had been stayed up late to wait for the malaysian midnight just for d sake of wishing me that. i appreciate it seyesly =) and to my family...thnx so much as well for stayed up late until midnight to wish me "happy birthday" and to abah...nice song u'd sung to me. "Allah selamatkan kamu...lalalalalala". hehehehehe. so sweet of u!!!!!

eventho they're not many who know my number still i got few calls last night n thnx to someone who had called me frm afar...i'd never thought that i would receive ur call (blushing). hehhehehe =p

yet now i'm all alone sitting on this couch. my parents together with my sis n grandma went back to alor star n i couldnt drag my legs along since i have classes to be attended this evening. what a pathetic birthday celebration isn't it? yet i dont feel sad. to me warm wishes are the best present tht i adore most. it's not easy to stand ur figure in others mind. so, when others remember u on ur special day, it's enough proven tht u've passed that difficult fact of living.

to snatch ur attention from my birthday which is same like other days, i prefer to focus more on this... on what do i feel lately in these recent days...

my students might see me as a lively young teacher with lotsa knowledge to be delivered. yet i see myself as an empty vessel of a dead doll who conduct the class with only my friendly appealing personallity. my boss kept on standing on his knee asking me to keep working until d new teachers are ready n he keeps complimenting me to the new teachers that i'm good. doesnt he realize that in fact, i feel like i'm not good enough as a teacher? does he realize the fact that i'm way toooooo empty in mind? as well as in soul?

i dunno wht's going wrong with me as i'm now like to read sth which related to religion and Allah. before this i used to ignore all the forwaded msgs in friendster or email when they're religiously entitled. i realized that i started to care more about this when i posted my previous entry of "New Year". i said tht i wanted to have a peaceful heart which brought my hands to surf more about Allah..n d last few days. after i ended up the class, there was one stdnt left me with a sentence which made me stood like a pillar right in front of my table. "okay bye teacher, dun forget to recite doa awl tahun ye mlm ni". i was puzzled by thinking that... "hurm?doa awl thn?bkn new year dh lepas ke?" without i noticed tht tomorrow it would be "Maal Hijrah". then i went back home n searched through the internet about it and till that i remembered. this was what my parents used to remind me every year. how can i forget that we have doa awl thn to be recited in every Maal Hijrah? in an article that i found, it's stated:

"Hadirlah majlis-majlis ilmu sepanjang bulan Muharram ini kerana dengan ilmulah kita akan mengenal hakikat diri dan kehidupan sebagai muslim. Tanpa ilmu kita hanya kan menjadi hamba kepada dunia selama-lamanya. Pertingkatlah amal ibadah dengan bermulanya diari baru Hijrah kita".

When i read this quote i feel humble as a teacher. How can i educate my students when i myself do not know about my own faith and life as a muslim...

i always have an intention to change myself and when i try it for a week or two i get distracted for no reason. i try to change it bit by bit and in the end, this is only what i can present. I know that i've changed quite a lot even my friends said so but i presume... there's still lot more to go... i hope to be better.. amin =)